I saw his package. It spoke to me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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