You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
