i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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