You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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