I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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