I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
