Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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