You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
