mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
