You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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