cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
