I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
