Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
