dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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