so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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