one might say we're banned from that church
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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