I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
