You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
soo... how was my night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
