u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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