I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Vodka?
Forever.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
