All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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