I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
