How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
