some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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