I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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