He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
