Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize