Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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