JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
