Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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