someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
