if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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