youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
