she was so not down for the gang bang
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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