Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
