I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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