You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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