I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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