Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
