I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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