Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
