Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
her vagine was all disorganized.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
