My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
