true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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