The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
