I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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