Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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