Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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