Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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