matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
