Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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