no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
