i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
