8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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