I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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