I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
