Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize