I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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