im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
