He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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