i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
